It is no coincidence that everyone who has ever won the Booker Prize in its thirty year history has the kind of face you wouldn't show to a small child. Great novels are fuelled by pain and misery and the need to feel accepted, and the uglier you are the more chance you'll fit this bill. So, don't wash. Scrap the makeup. Throw away the Gillette ladyshave. And get writing that masterpiece. It worked for DBC Pierre.
Colin is the geek in the corduroy jacket who tries to make friends with you at every Creative Writing seminar you've ever been to. He's the one who doesn't want to tell you the details of his novel in case you might plagiarise him, and then starts telling you about how he feels more creative after listening to a Jimi Hendrix album you haven't heard of. Ignore him.
The Brontes. Bram Stoker, G.P Taylor, Joanne Harris. And . . . er, me. There's nothing like grey skies, wind-swept moors and binge-drinking hairdressers to get you inspired.
I've got family down there and, trust me on this, everyone in that county (including family members) is clinically insane. They look very normal and Middle England and then they open their mouths and they are utterly mad. Just go there, go to a couple of dinner parties, change there names and pop them in your novel.
Orwell had rats in his North London flat. James Joyce lived for a whole week on nothing but radishes. Even Lord Byron had to sell his stately home to pay off his gambling debts. This probably explains what some bitter people refer to as 'Zadie Smith syndrome' (the bigger the advance, the crapper the novel).
And stand on the playing field where you always got picked last in Games lessons. Pain is fuel (see 1).
- DEVELOP A CHARACTER QUIRK
Truman Capote had a funny voice. Byron had a club foot and walked with a limp. Virginia Woolf smoked cigars. I've shaved off one eyebrow and, suddenly, my writing's fine.
I was stuck. Sorry. I'll try and think of something better for number 9.
Five years ago, my boyfriend Matt was a brand consultant on a good salary. He should have been happy, but he felt unfulfilled. He gave up his job, and started writing. For years, he was earning less than £10,000 annually. Now, both of his novels have been sold to America. The film rights to The Dead Fathers Club have been sold to the producers of Harry Potter, and those to The Last Family in England have been bought by Brad Pitt. Now, I'm not telling you to give up your job. But if you really do have a burning desire to write a novel, and have reason to believe you've got some kind of talent, it may be worth making some real-world sacrifices. Mind you, don't expect it to answer all your prayers. Even now he's a best-selling novelist Matt's still a gloomy pants. Trust me, I live with him.
F. Scott Fitzgerald said 'all good writing is swimming underwater and holding your breath.' I don't think he meant you should literally sit there in your Speedos and only breathe when you reach a full-stop. What I think he was getting at is that you need to get in the zone and focus. Ignore the phone, ignore the emails, ignore the chocolate biscuits that shout from the cupboard 'Eat me, eat me, eat me you lazy writer you will feel better about your life if you eat my lovely chocolate topping.' So, find your own space, ignore the voice of the Kitkats, and think of nothing but the world your pen is writing. Trust me, it will be worth it.
Ten ways to get in touch with your inner-novelist